Welcome to Journey to Dazzling, my self-improvement blog which focuses on the changes that I am making physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. I am a woman in her early twenties who is tired of not living up to her potential. I know I could grab life and make it all that I want and more if I just pushed myself. I am tired of being lazy, I am tired of being unhealthy, and I am tired of being tired.
I'm Bella. I just graduated from college in May of 2008 and moved to Florida to begin my life in the Real World. It's been interesting, trying to balance everything all on my own. What being on my own has made me realize is that it's all up to me. I cannot blame anyone else for my choices. It was easy to make up excuses in college, but now that I am responsible for everything--my bills, the organization of my home, and my eating--I realize that it was me sabotaging myself all along. It's weird to write about "who I am" right now because it's hopefully not going to be who I am when this journey ends. I am constantly changing and figuring out who I am. But on a less "philosophical" note, here are some of the things that I enjoy: laughing, reading, watching television, marathons (the television kind), traveling, talking.
This is not the first time I have tried to lose weight or have used a blog to try to assist me in that journey. I was a small kid, but once I hit around 11 and hit puberty, I became self-conscious. I also started gaining more weight. I stopped being as active and as interested in sporty type things. As I continued to go through middle school and high school, I hid behind big clothes. I was ashamed of my body. At the beginning of my senior year, I looked at my senior photos and I could not believe how much I weighed. I knew I was overweight, but I did not think that I was that big. So, I tried to change my ways. I joined Curves with my mother and I dropped about 10 pounds. I went down a size and I felt good. But I slowly crept back into the life that I had before... but I never stopped wanting to lose weight.
I got to college and wanted to change my life again. That second semester, I began going to the gym and eating way better. I stopped eating junk food and I also lost some weight. I stopped again, though. But I picked back up that summer and ended up returning to my second year of college smaller than I had ever been since I became a teenager.
But, yet again, I stopped taking care of myself. I didn't work out and I started eating whatever. The weight came back on. And even though I wanted to start a diet every day, I could not get it together. What my former failing experiences had done was set me up for more failure. I didn't know how to do it anymore. I didn't know if anything I would do would work. I was not motivated. I didn't care anymore. I couldn't make myself care more about my body than the food I was putting into my mouth, even though I knew it was destructive, wrong, and I ultimately wanted to be healthy.
But this time is different. I don't know what happened, but I was at work one day when I realized: hey, you can be the person you want to be! You can be the change you wish to see in your life! It's up to you! And it's so weird, because you hear people say this sort of stuff all the time, but I actually LISTENED that one time. I thought, "I can have the kind of life that I want."
I also know this time is different because I want to be healthy. All the other times, I just wanted to drop the weight really quickly. And even though I still kinda wanted to be healthy, my main priority was looking good. But I know that mentality does not work. I am going to be patient with myself. I am going to just take it one day at a time. I know with time, I will see the results I want to see.
Behind the Title
The title comes from the book series Twilight by Stephanie Meyer. In the book, there are several references to the main character being dazzled by a beautiful creature named Edward. This is a little play on that, but also it represents what I want to become: dazzling