001. Been there, done that. (176.7)

Been there, done that.

That's the phrase running through my mind as I contemplate writing an entry in this "new" weight loss weblog. I've been here before. I've done the weblog thing. And back when it was the first time, I actually made improvements and I saw change. I felt invigorated, I felt like I was learning new things and I felt like I saw food and exercise in a completely different light.

But what I face now is much more difficult because I know what works... yet I still don't do it. I don't know what this mental game is that I am playing with myself, but I'm tired of it. And this time, I can say that I actually mean it.

This journal will not merely be a log of my eating and exercise habits, but I want it to document this process, this journey of really facing myself. As I mentioned before, this is a self-improvement blog. I do believe that if I can figure out why I am overweight and why I keep sabotaging myself with food, then I will be able to unlock other areas of my life.

I just recently entered the "Real World," the adult world. And now there are no excuses. There's no one to blame for my problems except for me. And I absolutely have to get to the bottom of it because I do NOT want to start over again. Everyday, I feel as if I am starting all over again. How many times does the mantra, "I want to lose weight!" run through my head on a given day? How much does my weight affect my life? Too much, too much. I want to lose weight and get healthier for several reasons.

I am unsure as to how to approach this journal, but I do know that I do not want to do it the way that I have done it in the past and that I want to make sure that I actually stick to this. A big part of losing weight successfully is accountability (ie: It's a lot easier to consume a lot of calories if you don't COUNT them). But failing to acknowledge the harm that I am doing to myself is just pushing me further into denial and out of touch with reality. Because what I am doing is lying to myself. Each time I say, "It's okay... you'll change tomorrow," I do more harm. Each time I say, "It doesn't matter," I am lying to myself. "No one will know," I am lying to myself. And not only am I lying to myself, but I am also missing out on the wonderful things that life has to offer. I don't feel young, like the 22-year-old that I am. Instead, I spend most of my time sleeping, or watching television, or living a sedentary lifestyle--even though that's not necessarily the one that I want.

With each day that passes, I am more aware of what I do not have but what I could have, should I choose to stop living in fear. I am being pretty broad and generalizing a lot of things in this entry, but I am going to dig deeper pretty soon. Once again, I am not quite sure of how to approach this journal. Do I write in a chronological format? Do I write by subject? How do I broach this topic... this topic of myself? How do I deal with me and how do I share myself with others?

I suppose this blog will be a work in progress, just as I am. Tonight, I might write a few entries. So that you can get to know me better, so that I can get to know myself better, and so that I can ultimately take a few steps closer to being a better me.

from my original blog at 3FC.