This is what this blog is about.

Originally posted: 1/10/09 @ 7:10pm

So, here I am, sitting in front of my computer, wondering what to write in this blog and if it will even interest anyone. I have been at this weight loss blogging thing for two weeks and I have yet to receive a comment on a single post. And so I was sitting here thinking: what's wrong with me? What's wrong with my entries? Are they too boring? Are they too depressing?

I thought about some of the things that had run through my mind today. How I went to Books-A-Million, excited to look at a bunch of books, hopeful about finding a nutrition book that would tell me what I should buy from the grocery store. I thought about how I went over to pick up "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People," a book I had been thinking about getting for quite some time. But as I went to pick it up and as I leafed through it, I thought, "I... I can't do this now." A rush of anxiety stormed my stomach.

I wondered what to write in this thing. What could I do to be more interesting? I thought about how I didn't feel like I had the motivation for anything. How I was bored. And then I wondered: "Am I depressed?" And in this moment, I probably am. But you know what? This blog is for me... and maybe that's why no one's commenting. Because it's all about me and my issues or whatever.

I thought about what I could do to make it more reader-friendly. Maybe if I made shorter posts with more inspiring little quotes? Maybe if I didn't focus on anything negative and if I opened it up to more readers. I kept thinking, kept trying to figure it out. I began to get frustrated, even to the point of tears.

But I think these thoughts, coupled with the feelings that I was having at the bookstore, have opened my eyes to some things, some things that will ultimately help me grow. I feel like the first step to having the life I want, to truly getting on my path to improvement, is to know myself. In some ways, I know myself really well. But in others... well, I don't. Because I never allow myself to entertain certain thoughts.

I think I am frustrated right now because this is typically the time I would be turning to food. I don't know what to do, I am bored... I don't want to read, I don't want to talk, I don't want to write. I have no motivation. Normally, this is where a cookie, or a slimjim, or some sort of snack would help. Just a little bite, a little rush of something.

But this time, I didn't even want food. It's not good enough. I have to start facing myself, facing what I have been running from. Facing my fears... as I said before, it's not easy. It's not easy for me to be vulnerable because I am always trying to hide something or trying to appear to have it all together, but truly I am scared.

I am scared of getting close to people because I am afraid they will judge me. I am scared to let people see my vulnerable side because that means that they could hurt me or they would know that I have problems deeper than they could know. I am afraid to face this side of me because I wonder what the consequences will be. I suffered from deep depression about 8 years ago... I am afraid to even APPROACH these subjects because I am afraid that I will be opening a can of worms. I am constantly afraid that I am out of touch with reality. I am afraid that I am not good enough. I am afraid that I am gross, that I smell. I am afraid that my body's not good enough. I am afraid that there is something wrong in my body. I am afraid to sleep/stay/live in this apartment, especially with the possible health risks I could be exposed to (another story for another day). I am afraid of not being strong enough. I am afraid of being alone. I am afraid of being too happy, for fear that it will get taken away from me. I am afraid of my potential. I am afraid that if I truly get into a relationship with someone, that it will fall apart. That they will discover that they don't really like me. Same with my friends. I am surprised that they are still my friends. I sometimes wonder why.

I have issues. Issues that I have ignored. All of these fears have been lying dormant, hidden under comfort... comfort of food, comfort of friends, comfort of television. If I could just bury my thoughts, distract myself, then I would be okay.

But you know what? I am tired of distracting myself. I have to face this head on. I have to embrace who I am, even if I am scared of what that means. And I am. But it's time.

And so this blog will be about this. About my fears. About the not-so-pretty things. Because I cover it up in humor. I fake it sometimes (sometimes I don't! A lot of times, I truly am happy!)

I don't have a pretty little conclusion for this post. So it's done, over, right now. Bam.