The House of Courage and Chilvary

When I first read the Harry Potter series, I was sure that I would have been sorted into Gryffindor (if I were a fictional character) because I think I am pretty brave. I enjoy performing and putting myself out there, I have studied abroad multiple times, I went to college in a different state than home, and I am almost always willing to do a dare.

But lately, I have realized, in some aspects, I am a true coward (I'd like to think I am more Neville Longbottom than Peter Pettigrew). So, all of this pre-talk is just a snappy little segue into a subject I have been dying to discuss: FEAR.

What is it about this emotion that is so crippling? When and how did it sneak into my life? All I know is that it did so smoothly and silently. I barely even noticed the figurative ropes tied around my wrists, anchoring me down so that I would be unable to live the life that I want to live.

That is, until I got a little news from a friend of mine. This is a whole other entry in and of itself, but someone important to me told me that they were gay. And woohoo, I love gay people [insert commentary about having one best gay friend. Haha, just kidding. That happens with people of color all the time, though, when white people want to prove that they aren't racist]! But the fact that this particular person is gay... when we had a kind of relationship, well, it turned my world upside down. Mostly because I realized that I had been holding onto a stupid hope that we would some day be together. And for some reason, this little subconscious (okay, maybe not subconscious) wishing in the clouds kind set me up for a real big slap in the face.

How can I express how this incident made me realize my fears?

1. This guy was basically the only guy I have ever come close to dating. To find out it was all a sham made me think, "Hmm, what other parts of my life have been a lie?"

2. For some reason, holding onto him even as an idea gave me comfort. It made me think, "Maybe I am okay where I am right now... maybe this is okay."

3. This dude was awkward and uncomfortable, just like me. I thought, "Hey, there is someone else out there just like me!" Turns out he wasn't. The fact that he now has a BOYFRIEND before me, well, it lets me know that even HE has allowed himself to get comfortable with another human being.

4. And if he has a BOYFRIEND, this means... well, it means that he finally allowed himself to get over his fears and let himself LIVE!

And THIS is the moment when the lightbulb clicked on for me!

This guy stepped out of the closet and along the way, he whacked me upside the head with a broomstick (a Nimbus 2000, if you will) of realization. He "reparo"ed my broken glasses and helped me to see the world around me and myself a bit clearer:

REALIZATION: I have been using my weight to hold me back, especially in the relationship department.

It's not so much that it's the weight itself that does the distancing, but it's an excuse. I tell myself no one could like me because I am overweight, I don't allow myself to make eye-contact or flirt, I shut myself down before anything can start and use weight as an excuse. But that's not really what it is. It's an excuse for FEAR!

Knowing that someone else was in a similar boat as me--awkward, scared, uncomfortable with his body and relating to the opposite sex (which now it just turns out he was just not interested in the opposite sex) let me be okay with being me. But now that the one person who I counted on to be just like me actually is no longer scared to be rejected, to let someone else in, to be judged--well, it means that I need to hop to it fast or my life is just going to pass me by.

And so that's one of the reasons I started this blog. It was actually as a reaction to his news and as a reaction to my revelation of how much I have been letting fear hold me back. I wanted to cut those figurative ties from my wrists and actually step out of my comfort zone (by stepping away from comfort foods, haha).

This will be a challenge, to get over my fears. But at the end of the day, I want to know that if I ever happened to magically be transported to Hogwarts (in an alternate reality), I would no doubt be sorted into Gryffindor, the house of courage.